.....from the Cat Files.....

...walks into a bar...
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L."The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "An AmstelLite!"
Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like.
The brunette says, "I'll have a B.L."
With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A BudLite,right?"The brunette says, "A Becks lite!"
Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink.
Theblonde says, "I'll have a 15."
The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?"
The Blonde says, "duhhh, a 7 and 7."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try thebet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
This guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender, who's seen just about everything says, "what can I get you?" To which the duck replies "you can start by getting this guy off my ass."
This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says,"hey, what's that?" To which the Frog replies "I don't know. It started as a wart on my ass andthis happened."
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm.
Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.
This goes on all night.
Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink".
The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender."Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wiseass. The wiseass walks upto a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?"
"Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wiseass.
"Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny.
The wiseass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!"
"Well yes it is, she answers." The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wiseass if he could try the little joke.
"Be my guest," replies Mr. Smartypants.
So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you...It's raining."
A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a roll of paper towels".
A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a mop".
A gay giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender asks "what can I get you."
The giraffe says "Get me a beer. I all ready had two hi-balls."
A guy walks into a bar with a little yellow long-nosed, short-legged dog under his arm."That's one ugly dog," says another patron while petting his Doberman."Heh," says the guy, "but he's a mean little SOB."
"That so" says the other patron, "bet $20 my dog will kick his ass in less than two minutes"
The guy agrees and they put there dogs face to face, and each gives the command to attack.
In the twinkling of an eye the little yellow dog bites the Doberman in half.
The Doberman's owner is crying and cussing, and screams "What kind of damn dog is this?"
"Well" says the guy, "before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator."
There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool.
Stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."
The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.
About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic".
The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."
The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."
A gay guy walks into a bar with a small paper bag and says "the guy that can tell me what's in this bag can go home with me tonight."
An big mean oversized biker turns and says "there is a 20 ton pink polkadotted elephant in your bag".
The room erupts with laughter.
The gay guy opens the bag, peeks in and says "I think we have a winner".
So into a bar comes a prostitute.
She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her.
They frolic all night long.
The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven't been paid!"
Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute. She shows him the definition:PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money.
The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.
He shows her a definition:KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't bring that in here!"
The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here."
The bartender says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it."
The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune.
The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this."
The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it.
By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already.
Then he remembers he has an old set of bag-pipes in the back.
He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bag-pipes.
The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag.
The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win."
The guy says, "just give him a minute.
As soon as he realizes he can't fuck it... he'll play it."