.....from the Cat Files.....

"Lawyer Jokes - Part I"
A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.
"That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've billed you're 119 years old."
A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.
In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate.
The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life."
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession.
The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve.
The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden."
"I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?"
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.
The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way.
The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.
In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense lawyer.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.
He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, Lawyers are horses' asses."
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, "Phantom of the Opera", finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it.
The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.
Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"