====> A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

====> Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield! "Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second. She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly! "What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water that I got from the Vatican!" says the second. Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "Show him your cross!" says the second. So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:

"GET OFF THE FUCKIN' HOOD!!"

====> A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

====> A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom asks, "Why?". And the boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

====> A woman goes to see her Podiatrist ( foot doctor). She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "actually no, just between my 2 big ones!"

====> A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

====> "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with."

====> A lady goes to her doctor for her annual physical. When she gets home, she tells her husband "The doctor says I have the breasts of a 25 year old." "What did he have to say about your 65 year old ass?" he replied. "Your name never came up" she said.

====> One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager." "Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!" "Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."

====> After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos wishes "To wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, Carlos wakes up with: Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance!

====> An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop f***ing his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The bastard didn't sign his name!"

====> A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU`RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: "Nope. You are. I`m going to set the garage on fire."

====> A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attends his first baseball game. After a base hit, he hears the fans roaring, "Run... run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter's count goes up to three and two. As the pitch crosses past outside the plate, he holds his swing. The umpire calls a walk and the Scotsman stands up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

====> A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened?" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!" "Sammy had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband "Oh, that's terrible," says the wife. "I know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Sammy, hit the ball, drag Sammy..."

====> A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office, mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. The drunk weaved around the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his penis through it. The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. "That's not a foot!" she screamed. The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum.

====> Guy takes this girl on a blind date. They go to the carnival. They rode the rides, ate cotton candy, popcorn, saw the sideshow etc. Finally the guys asks what she wants to do next. "I wanna get weighed," she says. So they get their weight guessed, ride some more rides, play the games, etc. What do you want to do next he asks. "I wanna get weighed," she says. So they go get their weight guessed again. Rode the rides, etc., etc. Finally the girl asks to go home. Her mother says: "You are home early dear. Didn't you have a good time?" "It was wowsie momma, wowsie"

====> A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!" "My god, doctor! What are you going to do?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" "Well no, but it's the only food we can slip under the door."

====> A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma, she come firsta. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again anda pee twice. Den I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, calma down lady," said the man. "Ima justa tell my friend how to spella Mississippi."

====> A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot but sell me one that definitely talks." The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks." The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table and said to the parrot, "Ok, talk." The parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk." Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman, to show the parrot his place, put him in the fridge for a longer time and the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer. There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "What did you do, ask for a blow job?"

====> Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

====> There were this guy from Arkansas named Jethro walking down the road. One day he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag. Jethro: "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?" Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens." Jethro: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..." Billy Joe: "Sheeeeiiit Jethro if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you *BOTH* of them" Jethro: "uhhh...5?" Billy Joe: "Nope!"

====> One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

====> Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

====> Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might have designed the human body. The first one said, "It must have been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that." The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer." Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

====> A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And can't run away, because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks,"How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

====> It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

====> Husband: "Pack your bags, honey. I just won the lottery." Wife: "That's wonderful! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?" Husband: "I don't care, as long as you're out of the house by noon."

====> A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear .....or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

====> The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "F***, missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it no more. "Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you". It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "F***, missed!!". Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign". It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "F***, missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead. A voice was heard in the clouds "F***, missed!!!".

====> A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspecion of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. He's all booked up for the year.'"

====> Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said, "It was free." The other one asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one with the bike said, "Yesterday, a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all of her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted." The other engineer said, "Good move. Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

====> Three inmates at a mental institution are about to be released. The doctor wants to question them to see if they are ready for society. He says to one, "How much is 8 times 5?" The first inmate says, "139." He asks the second inmate, how much is 8 times 5? The reply is "Wednesday." He asks the third inmate the same question. The inmate says, "8 times 5 is 40." The doctor is elated! That's great. How did you figure that out? "Simple; I just divided 139 by Wednesday."

====> A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

====> A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far." "So far....ten gallons."

====> A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer park. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door." "And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained, That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

====> One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped. "Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked. "You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor." "That's true," he agreed. "But, what does the third penny tell you?" "The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."

====> A telephone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot. His Drill Instructor tried to find out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..." The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off. "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end."

====> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

====> President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine sharply salutes him as usual. Clinton says: "I'd salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full." The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Pigs sir!" President Clinton responds: "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!" The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!" The President then responds: "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea!" The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, Good Trade Sir!"

====> This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face life. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. he doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used. After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look. The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes. The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

====> A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these", announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

====> A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with his thumb out. A motorist stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" He tells him that he is not. The motorist drives off. A second motorist stops and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" He again replies that he is not. The motorist drives off. A third motorist, this time a striking, voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" The hitchhiker says that he is. The girl tells him to get in, and off they go. After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitchhiker exclaims, "This is really something. I've only been a lawyer for five minutes, and already I'm thinking about screwing somebody!"

====> Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun answered, "Adam and Eve." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. St. Peter then asked the second nun, "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?" 2nd nun answered, "An apple." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Peter asked her, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

====> 1. A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman that I want to marry. She is a Native American and her name is 'Shooting Star.'" "How nice," says his mother. "I have an Indian name too-it is 'Running River.' You have to call me that from now on." "How nice," says his mother. "You have to have an Indian name too, Mom." "I do, already" says the mother. "Just call me "Sitting Shiva."

2. These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no else one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

3. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

4. Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?

A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.

5. Jewish View on Flashing: An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"

6. Jewish View on When Life Begins: There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.

7. The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Purim .

"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble...First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."

"Mom!" he tells her, "I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limo."

"That would be nice, but I'll still have to get my ticket at the airport...And try to get a seat on the plane..."

"Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"

"Yes, well, but when we land, I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport...try to find a cab...you know what holiday crowds are like..."

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"

"I don't know...I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive... And they're not like they once were..."

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"

"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. All right," she sighs. "I'll come...for you."

That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends. "What's new?" the friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Purim."

"The doctor?"

"No... the other one."

====> After marrying a young beautiful girl, a ninety year old man told his doctor that they were expecting a child. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "There was an absent minded fellow who went hunting one day, and instead of taking a gun, brought his umbrella. Before he realized his error, a bear charged him. He aimed his umbrella at the bear, shot and killed him on the spot." "That's impossible!", the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear!" "Exactly!", replied the doctor.

====> A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

====> It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!" The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

====> Bud's dog had been jumping around all day and looking good; then suddenly passed out. Bud grabbed the dog and headed for the Vet. The Vet examined the dog and exclaimed, "this dog is dead!". Bud said,"Your crazy! That dog is only two years old and has always been healthy" The Vet said, "Well, I'll try again". After looking over the dog for the second time he confirmed his diagnoses. "The dog is dead." Bud couldn't accept this, so the Vet said he could try *one* other thing. He went to the back room and came back with a cat. He laid the cat on the dog and the cat started biting and scratching the dog... jumping from one end of the dog to the other. No response! The Vet said, "that dog is dead." Finally, Bud said "I guess your right,...how much do I owe you?". The Vet said,"$325.00." "Why so much?", asked Bud. The Vet said,"$25.00 for the Exam..... and $300 for the Cat scan."

====> A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?". To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm an FSU graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. To which he responds, at the top of *his* lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

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