.....from the Cat Files.....

Golf Lessons
A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game.
So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro.
They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ.
She hits the ball and the pro exclaims "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of the fairway! Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."
A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoke into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still cool."
"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"
Once there was an avid golfer who was playing golf at a very expensive, very exclusive golf course.
On the eighth hole, he had the great good fortune to hit a hole-in-one.
When he pulled the ball out of the hole, great gouts of smoke issued forth, to coalesce into a genie a few seconds later.
"Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish."
The guy thought a few minutes, and said, "I wish my dick would grow longer."
"Done!" said the genie, and sank back into the hole.
The guy continued his game, but was distressed to find that his dick was growing but not stopping. By the tenth hole it had reached his knees, by the twelfth, his feet.
Finally, he returned to the clubhouse and bought a bucket of golf balls, returned to the eighth hole, and started hitting balls from the green.
Eventually, he hit another hole-in-one. He walked to the green, holding his penis (which was now so long it otherwise would have dragged on the ground), and retrieved his ball. The genie appeared as before.
"Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish."
The guy immediately responded, "I wish my legs were a little longer"