* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* Hang up and drive.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

* Lord save me from your followers.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Sex on television can't hurt you...unless you fall off.