If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent have someone press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional you don't have to do anything. We know who you are and we are watching your every move.

If you are schizophrenic a voice will eventually tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive don't bother pressing any number. No one will answer and you are going to die anyway.

Thank you for calling the psychiatric hotline.