> Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

> You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

> I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

> Don't take life so seriously...it's not permanent.

> The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.

> As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

> The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

> You're getting old when *getting lucky* means you find your car in the parking lot.

> You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

> You're getting old when *tying one on* means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

> You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

> You're getting old when you wake up with that morningafter feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

> Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

> It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

> You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

> Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money